Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
it must be school picture day
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
ok like just. call me at this point
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.