I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him