Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”