Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory