Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!