Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star