I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
R.I.P.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in