waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey