While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Cannot stop laughing at this
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I feel seen.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.