My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
You Might Also Like
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
S/o to @funTweeters .
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Grandmother clock.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”