I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
the red hot silly peppers
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?