superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I hope google does well on my son’s test
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.