Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad