Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.