The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.