You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.