Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life