Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Only Americans understand
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …