Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.