me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.