a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
School be like
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works