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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me buying fruit and veg
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.