If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.