Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…