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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
How did we not see this back then?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Brands during Pride
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I would give up shouting at trees for you.