Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
and now we wait
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.