“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Why is no one talking about this?!
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.