Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
You Might Also Like
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This is amazing.
I didn’t realize that was an option
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
🙂🐾
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?