I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
This why you should mind your business
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked