Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*