Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone