Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
what the
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.