I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore