God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.