Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register