Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You Might Also Like
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”