Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Hell yeah 👍
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂