Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I came this close!!!!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Coffee is ready.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
😂😂😂
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?