In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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Child: What鈥檚 it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that鈥檚 too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
What if UFO鈥檚 are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He鈥檚 married with 3 great kids and a home now & I鈥檓 alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I鈥檓 still the one making better choices
Me: *holding a devil鈥檚 food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Some Things Never Change 馃榾
#archaeohistories
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
PHILOSOPHERS: We don鈥檛 know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Them: You鈥檙e hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there鈥檚 a lot of cussing, it鈥檚 very confusing, everyone dies.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating