My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”