The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Overindulged this afternoon.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower