“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
You Might Also Like
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.