[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
The old gods are rising again.
🤣🤣
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.