*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You Might Also Like
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
#merica
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.