School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.