[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
That’s incredible! 👌
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The Onion called it…again.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.