My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Botany good plants lately?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Confused owl: What?!
and now we wait
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Every house has this drawer
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic