“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.