hear me out : pockets for your socks
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”