The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
No laws when master is gone
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”