Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat